update

Thursday evening. I’ve just gotten back from that physics talk thing at the university — and what an evening. One of those nights that I genuinely can’t describe properly with words. And look, I’ve never been exceptional at that. Expressing real feelings in real time? Not exactly my strong suit. I tend to find the words only in retrospect, once everything’s already happened.

Recently, I've leaned into making a conscious effort to speak nothing but my mind around everyone. Turns out, that’s weirdly magnetic. People seem to gravitate toward me because I actually speak my mind without sugarcoating it. And honestly? I kind of hate that. I didn’t ask for the audience.

I have maybe two people I’d really consider proper friends. Plus her, of course. And a handful of others I tolerate but don’t particularly want to hang out with. I know, very emotionally well-adjusted of me.

Anyway — I digress. Back to the evening.

The talk itself was… relatively interesting. The guy running it was a new professor, and he reminded me a lot of my dad. It’s always a bit strange when people do that — feel familiar, even though they’re complete strangers.

When he brought up Schrödinger’s cat, it made me think about something I’ve been internally calling Schrödinger’s Situationship. It’s not about my own life in any means, it's more like one of those weird things that goes through my head when I see another one of those annoying couples at school. The idea is this: until a situationship is observed — defined, discussed, or dissected — it exists in all possible emotional states at once. Flirty and platonic. Deep and shallow. Mutual and completely one-sided. It only collapses into a defined “thing” when someone opens the metaphorical box. Until then, it’s both everything and nothing, simultaneously. Like a quantum mess, but with more texting and passive-aggressive Spotify playlists. Anyways, that's one of the things that I end up thinking about numerous times a day (especially in Maths where all I normally do is argue with the teacher and listen to music).

Tonight I also took more public transport than I think I ever have in a single day. Bus to get most of the way there. Walked about 15 minutes. Then jumped on a Flamingo scooter. Ran a bit too — because of course I did. Then on the way back: bus, walk with her (which was lovely), another bus, then a train. Urban adventure unlocked.

Also, she gave me a pen. It’s a very nice pen. It writes exquisitely.

Walking through the city together, I was surprised by how clearly I could think for those few minutes. No chaos. Just presence. Sometimes, when the circumstances are right, I get this rare state of mind where everything slows down. My thoughts stop spiralling and I can just be. I wish it happened more often. Not walking necessarily, but my thoughts stopping. I did somewhat manage to completely zone out for a bit on the bus to the station though, but that was before I made a terrible joke about our banks being neighbours and was then trying to decide whether I sounded more like that Model UN couple or like the guy from Model UN who talks like a wannabe diplomat and has a terrible moustache.

Also, buses are cool but loud. That’s why I like my bike. Usually I ride the e-bike and train combo, but I crashed it and it’s out of commission for now. So it’s been back to the old pedal-powered one for school — and it’s actually kind of nice. Less powerful, obviously. The hill climbs hurt more. But it’s simple and it works. I don’t ride for exercise or fun, I ride because it’s efficient and I’m allowed to operate it legally. It’s transport, not sport.

But again, I digress.

This post, like most of them, is a mix of dictated voice ramblings and late-night editing. Without the cleanup, it’d be near incomprehensible. If I posted my actual stream-of-consciousness, unfiltered and unedited, I’d sound dangerously close to our (least) favourite Model UN “friends.” You know the ones. And I say “friends” with the same energy I say “fun group project.”

Anyways, to wrap it up: cool lecture, criticizing the relationships of others. And public transport and walking, and a pen, and thoughts on walking (even though I actually hate walking usually, it just put me into a real flow state), and buses, and bicycles, and this blog, and basically she’s great, as we’ve already come to establish. 

I knew I wanted to write this as soon as I sat down on the train. So here it is complete with no real nice conclusion that I can think of right now.

73,
Daniel